I remember trying to get relationship chemistry going, when I was a kid.
My best resource was Playboy magazine, since I am pre-internet and pre-explicit movies,ect.
And I did not have the market savvy to know that Hugh Hefner was trying to sell me lots of stuff, rather than help me understand relationship chemistry.
Luckily for folks these days, Helen Fisher,Ph.D, has done some very interesting work on relationship chemistry.
She has used a tool that Hugh Hefner and 99% of dating coaches, gurus, mavens, and counselors could only dream about back in the day, called fMRI or functional magnetic resonance images, to look at in-love brains.
Fisher is putting a scientific face on relationship chemistry and the process we humans go through as we work to establish relationship chemistry.
One might think that science would take the mystery and poetry out of love, but I do not think that is the case.
I think that folks can be a little more practical if they understand what the feelings in the their bodies are trying to get them to do, and direct the process effectively.
Fisher's fMRI examinations have identifies three brain systems that are active in the relationship chemistry process, and it appears that each of the three has a hormone or neurotransmitter associated with it, and the presence of that neurotransmitter, for example, can be encouraged by engaging in certain activities.
(There is where the strategy of a relationship coach could come in handy).
Fisher's research also says that there are four basic personality types, and that we should make some effort to find a compatible type to have relationship chemistry with.
Contrast that to the Hefner model, which says folks should have relationship chemistry randomly, or the Prince Charming/Cinderalla model which says relationship chemistry will happen after the intervention of the Fairy Godmother.
Personally, I will take advantage of the chemistry at Helen Fisher's site, Chemistry.com. I prefer not to waste time.
Professor Fisher says that based on her studies of genetics and neuroscience she believes that people fall into four broad personality types—each influenced by a different brain chemical. She calls her types the the Explorer, Builder, Director, and Negotiator.
Professor Fisher designed a survey for the Oprah show to see which types had married each other and stayed together, and how the mix was playing out in their relationships. She got 500 results and was astounded at the data.
Now, with additional information, she offers scientific guidance about dating depending on which personality you are—especially if you're looking for a relationship chemistry that lasts.
So which love type are you?
Type: The Explorer Traits: Highly curious, creative, energetic, spontaneous.
Type: The Builder Traits: Calm, social, popular, and good at managing people, networking, and building family and community.
Type: The Director Traits: Analytical and logical, straightforward, decisive, tough minded, and focused.
Type: The Negotiator Traits: Imaginative, intuitive, empathetic, and emotionally expressive, and have good verbal and social skills.
Fisher says that not only are their personality types, but there are brain systems designed to get us moving down the relationship chemistry path.
The systems are lust, love, and trust systems, each ruled by a different hormone or neurotransmitter.
Those brain systems are what get us moving in the relationship arena, and if we find a compatible personality type, we can move rapidly ahead in affairs of the heart, with less risk of broken hearts and unrequited love.
And my apologies to the Fairy Godmother and the Mr. Hefner. You should have thought of this.
Very early in my personal growth experience, a wise person taught me to use the phrase "gratitude is the attitude" when I was resentful or afraid and that phrase has helped me feel better tens of thousands of times.
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