There are certainly a wide ranging variety of premarital counseling questions, and I think the most important of those have to deal with sustaining the emotional connection between the partners in the marriage. Any couple will have at least two preferences when it comes to money, sex, savings, vacations, holidays,ect. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman say that 69% of a issues that a couple have will never be resolved, which means to me that there will be a lot of negotiation going on, and the primary question for a marriage will be can the couple sustain their affection for each other while they negotiate daily or regular compromise?
I remember a line from an article about young folks living/ moving in together in the 1970's, concerning how premarital sex becomes premarital socks after awhile.
I think the above line has to do with the folks in the relationship having to make decisions about mundane tasks as the marriage glow wears off, and now there is some science, primarily from Helen Fisher,Ph.D., which indicates that marriages and relationships have different brain based stages.
After about two years, the relationship moves from the infatuation stage into a more mature stage, and if we have picked well, perhaps because we used Fisher's chemistry based model, or we are familiar with the ideas in the Gottman Art and Science of Love Model, then we have the tools to answer the ongoing premarital counseling questions.
The Gottman model says that 69% of issues in a marriage will never be resolved, so if the couple is to stay together, then communication skills must be at a premium, and those communication skills will also help precisely define the premarital counseling questions.
How can chemistry help you with premarital counseling questions?
Helen Fisher,Ph.D. has looked at brains in love and out of love and discovered that those brains move through some patterns which make the whole process more predictable. While I love the process of love, it is nice to get grounded once in awhile, and take a look around at what is going on. That is how Fisher's model can help, with predictability.
The Gottman model, based on 30 years of studying couples, says that there are two important skills that the Masters of Marriage have that the rest of us don't, they repair the emotional aftermath of anger quickly and they nurture positive feelings, so one of my premarital counseling questions would be, and I am so grateful for my wife's ability to do this, is does she have a sense of humor?
I do know something about nurturing positive feelings, and how often that has to happen.
My brain is a data seeking organ, and it responds to movement and changes in the environment rapidly, and the thoughts it creates just as rapidly generate different feelings, some of which may not be positive.
Sounds like some of what the experts say is necessary for us to sustain the answers to our premarital counseling questions, can by encouraged or enhanced by using tools like using the Helen Fisher,Ph.D., chemistry model and the HeartMath tool for nurturing the positive emotions called for by the Gottman's. So nurturing positive feelings has be done very quickly and frequently.
I first came across that technique from an AA friend, and the phrase was, "The Attitude Was Gratitude", which I learned to practice as often as I needed every day to have the physiology of gratitude rather than resentment. I might practice this technique, very similar to disputing an automatic negative thought in cognitive behavioral therapy, 200 times per day, or more if need be.
And if you are looking for a tool to help you with that, there is a wonderful biofeedback tool available called HeartMath, which feels great, and I can learn to cue that good feeling on any given heart beat.
HeartMath is based on a new field of study called neurocardiology, or the study of the hearts own nervous system.
It turns out that the brain in the heart can learn and make decisions independently of any other brain I have, and the heart's intelligence is affiliative and cooperative, just the right kind of of intelligence for me when I want to nurture positive feelings in my relationship.
When I was beginning my personal growth journey, a wise person told me that when I was feeling resentful or afraid or sad, that I should remember the phrase "gratitude is the attitude" when I was ready to feel better. That phrase has helped me feel better tens of thousands of times.
Would you share what you are most grateful for? Your story could be just what another person is searching for to renew themselves? Thanks.
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