Marriage Counseling Tip
I have used the Gottman model called "The Art and Science of Love" for several years now, in my domestic violence groups, and with the occasional DCFS clients I get who need the educational protocol that I provide.
I use the videos and the workbook with them, we go through the written exercises and discuss their experiences.
When we go through an exercise like 'discovering your partners love maps', not once have I had a couple do anything but playfully tease each other, and they could have been arguing as they came in the door, and may resume that argument as they leave, but while doing the exercise, they are relaxed and playful.
I have made copies of the workbook, and occasionally we will use them in the DV groups, maybe with the video, to teach the participants about what "accepting influence" might mean, or what repair phrases to use when one of those four horseman behaviors (criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, or contempt) appears.
I really appreciate the care that Dr. Gottman has brought to his research, and I really like that he and his team pay attention to the physiology of arousal.
If I have a criticism, it is that he and his team do not teach enough about how fast the central nervouse system provides the arousal response, and why it is important to take perhaps 20 minutes to calm down before resuming the tools provided in 'turning towards'.
And I appreciate that his studies take into account non-verbal communications, which I respond to sub-consciously, and that his model is based on a very realistic model. He calls people who are successful in their relationship those people who stay together and like each other, more or less.
My wife and I have been together 11 years now, and that is exactly what is happening for us. We are together and enjoy each other's company.
So I have taken some tips from the Gottman website, and I pass them along to you on the remainder of this page.
Gottman’s Marriage Tips 101
Since 1973, Dr. John Gottman has studied what he calls the "masters and disasters" of marriage. Ordinary people from the general public took part in long-term studies, and Dr. Gottman learned what makes marriages fail, what makes them succeed, and what can make marriages a source of great meaning.
By examining partners’ heart rates, facial expressions, and how they talk about their relationship to each other and to other people, Dr. Gottman is able to predict with more than 90% accuracy which couples will make it, and which will not.
What advice does Dr. Gottman have to offer? Below are some of his top suggestions for how to keep your marriage strong.
Seek help early.
The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (and keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years). This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.
Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.
Soften your "start up."
Arguments first "start up" because a spouse sometimes escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone. Bring up problems gently and without blame.
A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready," and her husband replies, "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them".
This guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.
Have high standards. Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.
Learn to repair and exit the argument.
Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it clear you're on common ground ("This is our problem"); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way ("I really appreciate and want to thank you for.…"). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.
Focus on the bright side.
In a happy marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. For example, "We laugh a lot;" not, "We never have any fun". A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your emotional bank account.
Seek help early. Edit yourself. Soften your "start up." Accept influence. Have high standards. Learn to repair and exit the argument. Focus on the bright side.
Copyright 2004 The Gottman Institute,
Here is a link to another program of marriage tips. This one you can download to your computer, and participate in some online groups if you want. I appreciate the passion that the authors have for their work also.
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