Love coaching has been a mine field until recently, when Helen Fisher, Ph.D., an anthropologist at Rutgers, began using fMRI to peer into brains in love.
(And how about those HeartMath people, who are providing tools to access the brain in your heart, and what does that have to do with love coaching)?
What she has discovered helps those of us who are in love, or want to be in love, or those of us who might be recovering from a relationship that did not work, to understand what the brain does when it is in love.
The entire process then becomes a bit more predictable.
In fact, Dr. Fisher has created a model based on chemistry which can be very useful in pointing you towards a better match.
When a counselor works with someone, they begin by taking a history, like most dating sites do as you build your profile, and perhaps a counselor will ask a potential client to see a psychologist for some testing to help pick some issues to work on.
The process for Dr. Fisher's site is very similar. Start with a free personality profile to build a sense of your chemistry and then you are provided a short list of matches, so you can begin the process of connecting.
From her website-
"Helen E. Fisher, PhD biological anthropologist, is a Research Professor in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University. She has written five books on the evolution and future of human sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the brain, the chemistry of romantic love, and most recently, human personality types and why we fall in love with one person rather than another.
Fisher maintains that humans have evolved three core brain systems for mating and reproduction:
* Lust—the sex drive or libido * Romantic attraction—romantic love * Attachment—deep feelings of union with a long term partner.
“Love can start off with any of these three feelings,” Fisher maintains. “Some people have sex first and then fall in love. Some fall head over heels in love, then climb into bed. Some feel deeply attached to someone they have known for months or years; then circumstances change, they fall madly in love and have sex.” But the sex drive evolved to encourage you to seek a range of partners; romantic love evolved to enable you to focus your mating energy on just one at a time; and attachment evolved to enable you to feel deep union to this person long enough to rear your infants as a team.”
But these brain systems can be tricky. Having sex, Fisher says, can drive up dopamine in the brain and push you over the threshold toward falling in love. And with orgasm, you experience a flood of oxytocin and vasopressin--giving you feelings of attachment. “Casual sex isn’t always casual” Fisher reports, “it can trigger a host of powerful feelings.” In fact, Fisher believes that men and women often engage in “hooking up” to unconsciously trigger these feelings of romance and attachment.
What happens when you fall in love? Fisher says it begins when someone takes on “special meaning.” “The world has a new center,” Fisher says, “then you focus on him or her. You beloved’s car is different from every other car in the parking lot, for example. People can list what they don’t like about their sweetheart, but they sweep these things aside and focus on what they adore. Intense energy, elation, mood swings, emotional dependence, separation anxiety, possessiveness, a pounding heart and craving are all central to this madness. But most important is obsessive thinking.” As Fisher says, “Someone is camping in your head.”
MRI brain scan
Fisher and her colleagues have put 49 people into a brain scanner (fMRI) to study the brain circuitry of romantic love: 17 had just fallen madly in love; 15 had just been dumped; 17 reported they were still in love after an average of 21 years of marriage. One of her central ideas is that romantic love is a drive stronger than the sex drive. As she says, “After all, if you causally ask someone to go to bed with you and they refuse, you don’t slip into a depression, or commit suicide or homicide; but around the world people suffer terribly from rejection in love.”
Fisher also maintains that taking serotonin-enhancing antidepressants (SSRIs) can potentially dampen feelings of romantic love and attachment, as well as the sex drive.
Fisher has looked at marriage and divorce in 58 societies, adultery in 42 cultures, patterns of monogamy and desertion in birds and mammals, and gender differences in the brain and behavior. In her newest work, she reports on four biologically-based personality types, and using data on 28,000 people collected on the dating site Chemistry.com, she explores who you are and why you are chemically drawn to some types more than others."
Helen Fisher, Ph.D.
Most love coaching is going to try to provide you cognitive behavioral therapy, or thinking kinds of insights, which do not work well with love, which is a drive like appetite, which happens deep in the brain, in ancient reward centers.
All of those feelings we have when we are in love are not amenable to cognitive behavioral therapy or advice.
However, once you have a relationship started, and Dr. Fisher says that after about two years we begin to have a different chemistry about our relationship, it is then that you might look to John and Julie Gottman's The Art and Science of Love for a sense of how to sustain your relationship, how to build a love map, and find ways to turn toward your partner in every day events, and nurture positive feelings, among other things.
Just like fMRI is giving us insight into the experience of love, research in the new field of neurocardiology is giving us insight into the heart role in sustaining positive emotions which the Gottman's research suggests is so important in The Art and Science of Love.
HeartMath is a biofeedback tool which teaches me, with a few practices, to sustain heart rate variability coherence, which means the time between heart beats is very consistent.
When I learn to do that, I feel very content, and I act in an affiliative and cooperative manner.
Not a bad physiology to establish as I connect with my Helen Fisher Chemistry.com matches, right?
So I can take care of some of the very important steps in finding love with research based tools like HeartMath and Chemistry.com? Yes, and here are some links to HeartMath, which is also a highly recommended brain fitness tool.
Talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Very early in my personal growth experience, a wise person taught me to use the phrase "gratitude is the attitude" when I was resentful or afraid and that phrase has helped me feel better tens of thousands of times.
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