Disenfranchised Grief of a Lover
by Stephanie Nelson
Me and my siblings. I'm sitting on my brother's left
Im not sure if this is where to place my note but here goes. I lost my best friend in 2006. He was my world. We had more than a friendship. But in an effort to stay friends we had a word about just being friends only. We agreed. But he called me one Friday morning in November and as we crossed words the phone cut off as if a dropped call and I waited. I tried to call him back.. no answer. Then my phone rang and it was an acquaintance of mine who also knew him. She told me hed been killed in a car crash. Later I learned that he had a brain aneurysm, passed out from the rupture and hit a light pole causing him to ultimately die from blunt head trauma. When I heard the news I just sat there on the side of my bed looking at the floor for minutes or hours; I can't recall. It was the most devastating thing I have ever felt in my life. My world was shaken up to such a degree that it changed the entire path of my life. To date I have never been the same which is Im sure another DSM best-seller. My grief was completely isolated and still is. Its as painful today as any day prior except not as often. My difference is.. I never cried. The cut was so deep, the pain so overwhelming, the loss so profuse, tears somehow cheapened the pain. I still cannot cry. Its inside of me locked up and my God
what Id do to get it out, to feel sorry for myself, ball up in the fetal position and scream and cry. I cant get it out. In February of this year my brother committed suicide and I cant cry. 45 days later on April 10 my exhusband killed himself. I cant cry. My brother shot himself in the face my ex hung himself. April 30 I was fired from my job. A few weeks ago my car was repossessed. I have a tax lien because I cant pay the bill anymore, my student loans are about to default. And my reputation is smashed. Theres no one to lean on because EVERYONE I know is somehow grieving a loss. Im not a drug or alcohol user but its an absolute miracle that I'm not. I am a sinking ship however. Hope is a thing of the past. And tomorrow I will sit here again waiting for the next shoe to fall. There's all kinds of grief, devastation and anything synonymous with loss people go through in life. But its going to be ok for me someday. For now however I'm so grateful for my son whose dad passed away because my son is 22 years old and about to finish college as a minister, my 17 year old who will be a senior this year and an honors student, my son 13 who enters highschool this year and is my heart. They keep me focused on whats important each day. I look at those wonderful sons and remember that my life goes forward because of them.
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