What is real chemistry relationships? Most writers indicate that the chemistry of romantic love, which is a powerful, life changing experience, and can happen very rapidly in our brains, is not the true relationship chemistry, or is not a soul mate relationship chemistry.
The implication is that only the soul mate relationship chemistry is the correct or most desirable kind of chemistry.
I think it is inaccurate to imply that one kind of relationship chemistry is more correct or important or valuable than another.
Each kind of relationship chemistry serves a purpose, and I think increasing awareness of the brain chemistry involved in establishing one or the other, or perhaps growing the soul mate chemistry from the romantic love chemistry, can help folks seeking one or the other or seeking movement from one to another to find a path.
Helen Fisher,Ph.D., has described the brain chemistry of romantic love exceedingly well in her work.
She says that in romantic love three very important parts of the reward system in the brain get turned on, each of which is associated with a powerful hormone or neurotransmitter.
The three brain systems and their associated chemistry's are;
Lust: Sex drive is associated with a class of hormones called androgens, particularly testosterone (yes, women produce it, too).
Trust: Feelings of trust and attachment are fostered by the chemical oxytocin.
Love: The third chemical that drives relationships is dopamine, a key player in the brain's pleasure center that's been found to promote romantic love. Research shows that novelty—taking risks or trying something new—can trigger the release of dopamine in the brain.
Those are the brain systems that are involved in romantic love, and the result of a jolt of those hormones/neurotransmitters, particularly the dopamine and its amphetamine like relatives, is the racing heart and the sweaty palms and the powerful connection involved in this stage of romantic love.
Fisher says the evolutionary purpose of this relationships chemistry is to get us together for the result of progeny and to keep us together for a better survival rate for said progeny.
This romantic love relationships chemistry is not designed to last forever, and usually wanes in 6 months to three years, leaving us to make some decisions about exiting this relationship or moving the relationship chemistry to a different kind.
It is easy to get stuck in a desire for romantic love and cycle through numerous episodes of romantic love and the chaos that can ensue in our lives. The sad part of that process is that we can get used to a certain level of dopamine and for the jolt of this kind of love chemistry to move us, we have to have 'the perfect lover', ect.
Or we can begin to do what Robert Epstein,Ph.D. describes in his recent Scientific Mind Article, which is commit as couples to work on intimacy exercises.
Inducing chemistry relationships then becomes like a workout?
Yes, but not as painful or uncomfortable as training for the Olympics, for example, although the ultimate chemistry in my body has some parallels.
Helen Fisher,Ph.D., discovered that couples who have been together for a long time have a very similar relationships chemistry as the newly in love couples, except for the excitement or jittery, sweaty palms amphetamine kind of energy.
Those long term folks are just as deeply connected as the folks in the romantic love stage, but much more calmly.
While most folks may think that latter stage happens naturally, Epstein would caution that it takes regular attention to exercises like 'soul gazing' or 'heart rate synchronization' for that mature chemistry to happen.
John Gottman,Ph.D., who has created a workshop called 'The Art and Science of Love, which is base on following couples for 30 years to tease out what works and doesn't work, would agree, I think, that a mature love can grow out of a romantic love.
Helen Fisher's study of neuroscience and genetics indicates that we humans fall generally into four basic personality types each governed by a particular hormone or neurotransmitter, and that romantic chemistry growing into mature love has the best chance of happening if we begin by getting to know folks who are compatible types for us.
Of course, you will have to try her personality test at Chemistry.com to find your type, and if you sign up, you will then get introductions to lots of compatible types.
So both types of chemistry relationships are important, and science and the internet are giving us more options than ever before for good, good vibrations.
Very early in my personal growth experience, a wise person taught me to use the phrase "gratitude is the attitude" when I was resentful or afraid and that phrase has helped me feel better tens of thousands of times.
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